Unsolicited Birth Stories

As a pregnant person (in the holiday season no less), I am sure you are being flooded with birth stories from family, friends, and strangers of all ages and stages. I assume, some of these birth stories are positive and encouraging, but others are scary or maybe traumatic. Hearing these stories might leave you feeling unsure or anxious about your upcoming births.

Here are my thoughts on ways to experience these stories and process them so you don’t feel overwhelmed or worried.

If you can avoid hearing these stories, that is a great first step. Sometimes a simple “I appreciate you want to share with me, but I would rather hear your story after my baby is born” is enough to end that conversation. I understand this isn’t always possible or comfortable, but it is worth a shot.

If you find yourself listening to a story, then let the person tell it, and at the end respond with “thank you for sharing your story with me,” and if it is a traumatic story you could add “that sounds like a hard experience” (or something similar). You don’t have to ask questions or feel apologetic for their story, you can just let it be done once it’s over.

Now that story is in your head, maybe you’re able to disregard it, or maybe the story continues to play in your mind, and you find yourself worrying that their story will be yours too. But their story can’t be yours, because no two birth stories are the same, ever. You can decide what you take away from their story, and here’s what I recommend.

Often people have hard or traumatic births because they were uneducated or uninformed about what was going on (which is not their fault), they felt alone or unsupported, and they didn’t have a way of processing their experiences afterwards to understand what happened retrospectively. This isn’t how people tell their stories, most likely they are telling you about their baby’s heart rate, or a cesarean delivery, or their baby’s size. But maybe you can read between the lines and hear how they were scared and confused.

You can make plans for your birth to reduce the chance of those experiences. You can take childbirth education classes, you can communicate with providers about birth preferences (make a birth plan), you can have doula support, you can talk with a therapist and your provider after your birth to ask questions. These are all tangible and plannable ways to avoid having the hard experience your friend has just got done telling you about.

I am also a big fan of affirmations or mantras that you can tell yourself when things seem big or overwhelming. Here are some for you to use after hearing a story that is stuck in your mind.

• Every birth is different

• I have a strong support system

• I have carefully chosen my birthing place

• I will ask questions if I have them

• I trust my body

• I trust my support people

• If birth is hard, I have the resources I need afterwards to heal

I hope these serve you.

I have three final thoughts on this topic.

One, if there are people in your life who haven’t told you about their experiences, ask them what the best part of their birth was. Often people who have positive birth experiences aren’t as likely to tell their stories because our social script is to tell scary stories. So ask them and see what you can learn, if you want to.

Two, feel free to rant about having stories dumped on you that you didn’t ask for. Rant to a family member, partner, friend, doula, or therapist. Talk about the absurdity of these stories. I think talking about them gives them less power.

Three, share your positive experiences about pregnancy and birth afterwards and in the years to come. Change the narrative in your community and friend group. Offer encouragement and excitement to parents-to-be around you.

I hope you find this helpful, and please feel free to share it with other pregnant folks in your life who are sharing this struggle

How to Find a Doula

Finding a doula can seem like a daunting task, especially if you live an area where there are many doulas and birth workers to chose from. Maybe your friend had a doula, and she can’t stop telling you how amazing it was. Maybe you heard about doulas in your childbirth education class and wanted to learn more. Maybe you googled “ways to reduce medical interventions in birth” and a doula was suggested. For whatever reason you are looking for a doula, it might feel like a big task. Here are some tips to finding the right doula for you.

First, ask your provider what doulas they usually recommend. Some providers are really supportive of doula work, and have local doulas they regularly refer patients too. If your provider does not have a recommendation, then ask a friend, a childbirth education instructor, or some other provider you have. (As a doula I work hard to make connections to providers who have pregnant clients, so it is worth asking your chiropractor/acupuncturist/message therapist, etc…) I have always found it helpful to hear a direct recommendation from someone than just googling “doulas near me.” That being said…

Second, if no one has any recommendations on local doulas go ahead and google “doulas near me,” or “doulas in Maine,” and see what comes up.

Here are a few websites that list doulas in the area.

DONA International- On their website you can search for birth doulas by entering your zip code and an area radius. The list they provide are all doulas who are DONA certified. This is a good list because you know you are getting a trained and certified doula.  

Doula Match- This website is a resource of hundreds of doulas, you enter your zip code and an area radius, and your due date. The doulas input their availability, so the ones that come up for you are available at your due date! Doula Match is not affiliated with any specific certifying organization, so you will be given a wide variety of doulas with many varying experiences.

Doula Trainings International- this is a certifying organization (similar to DONA), on their website you can enter your zip code and doulas in your area pop up!

These are the three big ones, but different areas have organizations with doulas specific to that location.

Third, look for certification. Doulas listed on DONA’s website are all DONA certified, which is the most common and widely spread certification organization. Doula Match confirms that doulas who say they are certified, are in fact certified, though it can be through any organization. If a doula is certified, it means that they have completed a certain number of births, done a workshop, and participate in continuing education workshops. Some doulas are not certified, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. If a doula is uncertified but has attended hundreds of births, then it is a fairly safe bet that she is a wonderful and talented doula.

Fourth, make your list. Now you have done your research and found all these wonderful doulas in your area. But who to choose? I don’t know of any doulas who charge for a first phone call, we are all happy to hear from prospective clients. Start calling the doulas on your list, ask about their training, their availability, their back-up plan, their values, their fees, and their contract policies. If you don’t click or something seems off, cross her off your list. Chances are that if you don’t get along now, you won’t get along when you’re in labor. This is a good time to go with your gut feeling. Maybe you talk to a doula who has attended hundreds of births but doesn’t have a sense of humor. And then you talk to a newer doula and she is just starting out, but makes you feel comfortable and happy. Follow your gut, birth is a really intuitional experience.

Fifth, I know I just listed things to ask a doula on the phone, but I will lay them out here again for when you meet your doula in your first prenatal meeting.

Ask your doula questions, she will answer them!

o   Her training

o   How many births she’s attended

o   How many clients she takes each month

o   What her fee is

o   Does she support _________ (VBAC, bottle feeding, breast feeding, planned caesarean birth, surrogacy births, clients with traumatic history, whatever is important and relevant to you)

• Most likely your doula will remind you to ask questions multiple times in the interview, and don’t hold back. She is there to answer your questions and to be a knowledgeable resource.

• Your doula will talk with you about her services and her scope of practice, what she can and cannot do as a doula.

• Most doulas (including me) sign a client contract at the end of this first meeting. There is usually a down payment made at this time, as well as an explanation of services. If you have questions about the fees, for example, does she offer sliding scale fees, or payment plans, ask them before you get to signing the contract!

These are my suggestions for choosing the right doula. The big takeaway is to follow your gut instinct, if it feels like a good fit, it probably is. Having a doula at your birth is a wonderful option, and I hope you find someone who is right for you!

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