Unsolicited Birth Stories

As a pregnant person (in the holiday season no less), I am sure you are being flooded with birth stories from family, friends, and strangers of all ages and stages. I assume, some of these birth stories are positive and encouraging, but others are scary or maybe traumatic. Hearing these stories might leave you feeling unsure or anxious about your upcoming births.

Here are my thoughts on ways to experience these stories and process them so you don’t feel overwhelmed or worried.

If you can avoid hearing these stories, that is a great first step. Sometimes a simple “I appreciate you want to share with me, but I would rather hear your story after my baby is born” is enough to end that conversation. I understand this isn’t always possible or comfortable, but it is worth a shot.

If you find yourself listening to a story, then let the person tell it, and at the end respond with “thank you for sharing your story with me,” and if it is a traumatic story you could add “that sounds like a hard experience” (or something similar). You don’t have to ask questions or feel apologetic for their story, you can just let it be done once it’s over.

Now that story is in your head, maybe you’re able to disregard it, or maybe the story continues to play in your mind, and you find yourself worrying that their story will be yours too. But their story can’t be yours, because no two birth stories are the same, ever. You can decide what you take away from their story, and here’s what I recommend.

Often people have hard or traumatic births because they were uneducated or uninformed about what was going on (which is not their fault), they felt alone or unsupported, and they didn’t have a way of processing their experiences afterwards to understand what happened retrospectively. This isn’t how people tell their stories, most likely they are telling you about their baby’s heart rate, or a cesarean delivery, or their baby’s size. But maybe you can read between the lines and hear how they were scared and confused.

You can make plans for your birth to reduce the chance of those experiences. You can take childbirth education classes, you can communicate with providers about birth preferences (make a birth plan), you can have doula support, you can talk with a therapist and your provider after your birth to ask questions. These are all tangible and plannable ways to avoid having the hard experience your friend has just got done telling you about.

I am also a big fan of affirmations or mantras that you can tell yourself when things seem big or overwhelming. Here are some for you to use after hearing a story that is stuck in your mind.

• Every birth is different

• I have a strong support system

• I have carefully chosen my birthing place

• I will ask questions if I have them

• I trust my body

• I trust my support people

• If birth is hard, I have the resources I need afterwards to heal

I hope these serve you.

I have three final thoughts on this topic.

One, if there are people in your life who haven’t told you about their experiences, ask them what the best part of their birth was. Often people who have positive birth experiences aren’t as likely to tell their stories because our social script is to tell scary stories. So ask them and see what you can learn, if you want to.

Two, feel free to rant about having stories dumped on you that you didn’t ask for. Rant to a family member, partner, friend, doula, or therapist. Talk about the absurdity of these stories. I think talking about them gives them less power.

Three, share your positive experiences about pregnancy and birth afterwards and in the years to come. Change the narrative in your community and friend group. Offer encouragement and excitement to parents-to-be around you.

I hope you find this helpful, and please feel free to share it with other pregnant folks in your life who are sharing this struggle

Tips on Affording a Doula

• Do you have to pay for a doula out of pocket?

• Will my health insurance cover a doula?

• How much does a doula cost?

These are questions I hear all this time, and here are some answers.

First, if the cost of a doula is deterring you from hiring a doula, don’t stop looking, there are many options.

The cost of a doula

Fees for doula services range anywhere from $0 to $500 to $1500, it all depends are who the doula is and what they offer in their package. Often times doulas who are brand new and working on certification offer reduced rates to their first few clients. More experienced doulas might offer more, and others have additional services in their package (such as prenatal massage, lactation consulting, etc…). In my area (seacoast of NH and ME) most doulas are around $1200.

Insurance

For the majority of people, doulas are an out-of-pocket expense, and in some rare cases private insurance companies will cover the cost or partial cost of a doula. If you have a Health Savings Accounts (HSAs) through your insurance, many times they can reimburse for the cost of a doula.

Affording a doula

If you cannot afford a doula out of pocket, and your insurance doesn’t cover it, don’t despair, you are not out of options! As I mentioned above, certifying doulas often charge less, and are a wonderful resource. It can be difficult to find doulas who are new because they may not have a large online presence yet. I highly recommend reaching out to any doula in your area, and asking them if you know anyone working on certification, they could connect you with. Doulas are a tight knit community, and we all know each other and refer to each other often!

Some doulas offer a sliding scale or payment plans (I offer both of these). Often doulas will also do one birth a year where they waive the fee, so inquire about that as well. At a hospital local to me there is some scholarship money to help people afford doulas, this is unique and not common at most places (but might still be worth asking your provider about).

Bonus tip

Put a doula on your baby shower registry! Instead of having multiple of other items (highchairs, books, clothes, etc…) why not ask your loved ones to pitch in and buy doula support as a gift. You will end up with many hand-me downs and other little gifts regardless, so why not make the most out of your baby shower? And why stop at birth doula? Ask for postpartum doula support, a meal service, etc…

I hope you find this helpful or informative, share it with others who have similar questions, and don’t hesitate to reach out with questions.

How to Find a Doula

Finding a doula can seem like a daunting task, especially if you live an area where there are many doulas and birth workers to chose from. Maybe your friend had a doula, and she can’t stop telling you how amazing it was. Maybe you heard about doulas in your childbirth education class and wanted to learn more. Maybe you googled “ways to reduce medical interventions in birth” and a doula was suggested. For whatever reason you are looking for a doula, it might feel like a big task. Here are some tips to finding the right doula for you.

First, ask your provider what doulas they usually recommend. Some providers are really supportive of doula work, and have local doulas they regularly refer patients too. If your provider does not have a recommendation, then ask a friend, a childbirth education instructor, or some other provider you have. (As a doula I work hard to make connections to providers who have pregnant clients, so it is worth asking your chiropractor/acupuncturist/message therapist, etc…) I have always found it helpful to hear a direct recommendation from someone than just googling “doulas near me.” That being said…

Second, if no one has any recommendations on local doulas go ahead and google “doulas near me,” or “doulas in Maine,” and see what comes up.

Here are a few websites that list doulas in the area.

DONA International- On their website you can search for birth doulas by entering your zip code and an area radius. The list they provide are all doulas who are DONA certified. This is a good list because you know you are getting a trained and certified doula.  

Doula Match- This website is a resource of hundreds of doulas, you enter your zip code and an area radius, and your due date. The doulas input their availability, so the ones that come up for you are available at your due date! Doula Match is not affiliated with any specific certifying organization, so you will be given a wide variety of doulas with many varying experiences.

Doula Trainings International- this is a certifying organization (similar to DONA), on their website you can enter your zip code and doulas in your area pop up!

These are the three big ones, but different areas have organizations with doulas specific to that location.

Third, look for certification. Doulas listed on DONA’s website are all DONA certified, which is the most common and widely spread certification organization. Doula Match confirms that doulas who say they are certified, are in fact certified, though it can be through any organization. If a doula is certified, it means that they have completed a certain number of births, done a workshop, and participate in continuing education workshops. Some doulas are not certified, and this is not necessarily a bad thing. If a doula is uncertified but has attended hundreds of births, then it is a fairly safe bet that she is a wonderful and talented doula.

Fourth, make your list. Now you have done your research and found all these wonderful doulas in your area. But who to choose? I don’t know of any doulas who charge for a first phone call, we are all happy to hear from prospective clients. Start calling the doulas on your list, ask about their training, their availability, their back-up plan, their values, their fees, and their contract policies. If you don’t click or something seems off, cross her off your list. Chances are that if you don’t get along now, you won’t get along when you’re in labor. This is a good time to go with your gut feeling. Maybe you talk to a doula who has attended hundreds of births but doesn’t have a sense of humor. And then you talk to a newer doula and she is just starting out, but makes you feel comfortable and happy. Follow your gut, birth is a really intuitional experience.

Fifth, I know I just listed things to ask a doula on the phone, but I will lay them out here again for when you meet your doula in your first prenatal meeting.

Ask your doula questions, she will answer them!

o   Her training

o   How many births she’s attended

o   How many clients she takes each month

o   What her fee is

o   Does she support _________ (VBAC, bottle feeding, breast feeding, planned caesarean birth, surrogacy births, clients with traumatic history, whatever is important and relevant to you)

• Most likely your doula will remind you to ask questions multiple times in the interview, and don’t hold back. She is there to answer your questions and to be a knowledgeable resource.

• Your doula will talk with you about her services and her scope of practice, what she can and cannot do as a doula.

• Most doulas (including me) sign a client contract at the end of this first meeting. There is usually a down payment made at this time, as well as an explanation of services. If you have questions about the fees, for example, does she offer sliding scale fees, or payment plans, ask them before you get to signing the contract!

These are my suggestions for choosing the right doula. The big takeaway is to follow your gut instinct, if it feels like a good fit, it probably is. Having a doula at your birth is a wonderful option, and I hope you find someone who is right for you!

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My Journey to Doula Work

I get this question all the time, “why did you become a doula?” or “how did you know you wanted to be a doula?” The question usually follows my explanation of what a doula is, and the person I am talking with realizes I work in a job they never knew existed. Other times I get these questions from other doulas or birth-workers who came into their roles after they had children of their own. I am a doula because I have experienced how empowerment can lead people to accomplish their goals. I want my effort and time to go into work that empowers expecting parents to begin their journey with confidence, love, and a healthy mind and body.

“I don’t remember a time I didn’t know what a doula was. ”

My mom had a doula support her when I was born. I heard about this doula throughout my childhood, she was a pillar of the birth story my mom told. In the stories, the doula was the smart one, the strong one, the encouraging one that helped my mom bring me into the world. My dad says the doula is the reason he made it through the long labor and hard moments. I don’t remember a time I didn’t know what a doula was.

Young me carry for one of my many babies.

Throughout my schooling I was an emotionally intelligent child, always watching out for kids who were picked on or excluded. I took care of all my dolls with the utmost tender love a six-year-old could show. I played “giving birth” with my best friend weekly, one of us was always pregnant, laboring, or breastfeeding, we were very busy seven-year-olds. That soft vulnerable empathy I had as a child didn’t harden over when I became a teenager. I was emotionally tuned into all my classroom dynamics and social happenings. Around the end of my senior year in high school, my mom and I had a conversation and we got to the topic of midwives. She offhandedly mentioned she thought I would be a good midwife, and that idea stuck.

“After that workshop I knew I wanted to be some type of birth worker. ”

In the winter of my first year at Mount Holyoke College, I took a little local doula training class just to see if I was really interested in birth work. I loved the class, I loved learning about birth, I loved talking about it, I loved thinking about it. After that workshop I knew I wanted to be some type of birth worker. 

“The combination of how people work together and solving puzzles of cultural assumptions was just so intriguing, it felt like all of my questions about life and people were answered in the classrooms of my anthropology classes. ”

In the Fall of my sophomore year I decided I wanted to major in Anthropology. I had taken an anthropology class, and I was so interested in conversations on culture, health, structures, and medicine . The combination of how people work together and solving puzzles of cultural assumptions was just so intriguing, it felt like all of my questions about life and people were answered in the classrooms of my anthropology classes. My peers in the Anthropology department were strong, thoughtful, and just as excited as I was for more information and conversations. Some of my favorite classes included Medical Anthropology, Anthropology of Death, Anthropology of Reproduction, Anthropology of Structural Violence, and my senior seminar on theory. Mount Holyoke College is part of the 5-College Consortium, so I had the chance to take classes at other schools as well. I took Anthropology of Food and Nutrition, and HIV/AIDS 35 Years Later (at Hampshire College), and Evolutionary Anthropology (at UMass Amherst). So many interesting classes and professors, I loved learning about all the ways anthropology could be used to understand the world.

During the summer between sophomore year and junior I had the opportunity to shadow and home birth midwife in Portland Oregon. I sat in on some routine check-ups she had, as well as attended some classes she taught at Oregon Health and Sciences University (OSHU). Being immersed in an environment where pregnancy, labor, and birth were widely understood to be natural processes was an incredible experience. Talking to young student midwives, and other doulas was an important step in my own journey because it showed me that being a strong young birth worker was an option for a career path.

The next summer I interned with Health Equity Alliance (HEAL) in Bangor Maine. During my time with HEAL I worked with members of the community living with/ at risk of contracting HIV. While I wasn’t directly working with expecting parents, or birth workers, I was learning about the other pieces of public health work. Anthropology teaches us how to understand structure and how personal experiences are results of structural decisions. In Bangor, I was able to directly witness these experiences and think about the influence decisions being made in the state house. This was an important moment in my journey while I reflected on the bigger picture of public health and thought about how birth and birth support fit in.

My plans for after graduation.

After that summer, I began my senior year with a plan to write a thesis, yikes! The concept of my thesis was using women’s narratives of their caesarean section births to understand the caesarean experience in the US. I interviewed my subjects, did a lot of reading, and wrote my most prized piece of writing, my senior thesis (email me if you want to read it!). After researching and writing about cesarean births, I knew that I wanted to be part of the structural change to reduce cesarean birth rates and empower people giving birth. I had done a lot of thinking and analyzing, my academic side had grown and developed. After graduation I was ready to develop the other part of me, the empathetic, compassionate, strong-willed support person I knew I could be. It was finally time to start my training to become a doula.

“After graduation I was ready to develop the other part of me, the empathetic, compassionate, strong-willed support person I knew I could be. It was finally time to start my training to become a doula.”

I attended a DONA International birth doula workshop in August 2018, and officially began my journey as a birth doula. Over the course of Fall 2018 and Spring 2019 I worked on completing my doula certification requirements. I attended births, read a lot of interesting books, and took some additional classes on breastfeeding support, childbirth education, and running a business. I have found a connection with doula work because it is a place where I can use my emotional skills. I am valued because of my ability to connect with people and give them all my compassion. Being emotional and compassionate is a huge asset as a doula. I love sharing my knowledge with people, I love problem solving and strategizing, and I love empowering my clients. Right now, doula work is a great fit for my strengths in serving my community. In June 2019 I became officially DONA certified! Since then I have been building my business and making sure I have all my bases covered before I take clients. Now I am up and going, ready to take on some clients! Check out my website for specifics about the services I offer, my region, and my fees.  

“I love sharing my knowledge with people, I love problem solving and strategizing, and I love empowering my clients.”